being in love...

hmmm... i have absolutely no clue how to write this one....ya, not that my other blogs are state of art or nything, still!!
the thing is I m in love...atleast it feels like it....otherwise what would u call it when u like being with someone so much so that it becomes difficult to spend time without that person...so that whenever u look at that person or hear his voice u feel grateful to God...n when that person holds ur hand u never want to let go....

but inspite of all the lovely things this love is...it's also terrifying!!!! it's terrifying coz it involves the risk factor...
when u r single,all u have to care about is what u do, what u feel, if u like pasta or not, if computer games are dumb or not...but once u fall in love, whoosh!!! suddenly it's like u r looking at world with a different set of eyes...u have to care not just about how ur day was but also about how it went for that someone special...u have to bother what to order at a restaurant...no noodles!! he doesn't like them...apple juice....yeah! he likes it....(i still don't get it!!! how can anybody like that tonic-like-taste-still-a-juice!!) it's just so different... but the funniest part is..it's not a bother...u like worrying about somebody else...u like knowing what he likes and what he doesn't...u like knowing that even if he prefers to play 'counter-strike' than talk to u, he'll still never go to bed without talking to u...
but yes! it is scary!! knowing that now somebody else has the power to hurt u if he cares to do so...to know that now ur happiness depends on somebody else a lot more than u'd prefer!! what if he finds someone else? what if he gets fed up??? what if???what if??? what if???
i don't have any answers to these what ifs... i don't know if this is the forever kind of love...
but i know one thing...i can't let it pass by!!
i can't let it go by me n not give it a chance...this is different that i m sure of!!
sometimes when i m in one of my career-first, my-bloody-life-has-a-goddamned-meaning mood.....i think, isn't it too early...in love??? for god's sake...how old i m anyway...i m too young for this...i should give this up!!
and then i pick up my phone, call him, but as soon as i hear his answering "hey", i know i can't afford to lose him...what if i never find him again...what if this is IT!! how many guys do i know who would spend an hour with me listening to me crying over every single silly bad thing that has ever happened to me since Ist standard?? how many guys would laugh with me about silliest things happening to me over the day??? how many guys can actually draw statistics about why we should remain committed???
not surprisingly, he is the only one to do that...he is the only one who doesn't mind my more than average vital capacities...who doesn't mind that not tiniest bit tech savvy...who doesn't mind my being me!! THE me!!
hmm...being in love is tough and confusing!!!
most of all, being in love is scary....but when i m scared i just give him a call... and he says "hey, i missed u shweetie"!! and at that moment, I know....life couldn't be better!!!

Death is a day worth living for!!!

today my classmate's father passed away...
even on a blog i won't lie that iam very fond of that guy but i know one thing....losing a loved one is scary...
imagine!!! i can't even bear my dad going for an out-of-station tour ....so how do you bear loss of a parent forever?? loss of any loved one for that matter.... its when it comes to death that i start feeling that life is damned callous...there is no reason why people should die...no reason why people should be left forlorn...but it happens and no one has a proper reason to give!!! i don't believe in the crap the-circle-of -life and rigmarole...i want an answer why this happens????
i lost a friend earlier this year!!! she committed suicide...not just another friend...a very close friend of mine...she was selfish....she left all of us scarred forever!!! but whatever the reason...cowardice,an accident,a disease whatever...it makes you realise that death has it in her power to rob you of your tomorrows...all you have is today..half of which is already past!!!!
so what do you do???? sit down and worry through the other half....no!!! you get up and make that half, worth dying for!!! so that when life(or death for that matter..) takes you by surprise..you don't have much to regret...
you know what i regret the most right now... my friend's B'day was in december...she died in feb. i never wished her that year....this was the first time i missed her B'day and i had no clue it would be the last one...
and i hate the feeling...i hate it when i get up in the morning and see so many things that i ought to do but i don't!!! i hate to see that there are so many people in this world i love and care about...but i don't take out time for them...
i don't want to sit down and ponder if i can make my future better....is there any way i can live my present to my heart's content???!!!! i want to make sure that before my time passes out or my loved ones run out of time....i have told each one of them i love them...i have created memories that we can cherish....
life is unfair u know.....it cheats you once in a while...but more often, it gives you a concession...a chance to rebound...i wish my friend knew that....but she didn't realise it...
i read somewhere "death is the day worth living for"!!! kinda true....(eventhough i don't like to accept anybody else's philosophy....hehehe) It is indeed a day worth living for...
i don't want to lie on my deathbed and wish "oh!! i should have eaten that ice-cream even if i had a cold!!!" or "jeez!!!it would have been better to ride that roller-coaster even if i would have ended up puking in the car" or "hmm.... i should have told him i loved him before he got married...who knows???" no!!!! its a bad idea....coz then i won't be able to go back in time and do those things...
people usually regret what they didn't do more than what they did!!!
its these silly little things which make this life...i don't want to throw away my life doing things which may get me in somebody's good books but may never fetch me the satisfaction i need...and i want to have the sense to realise that nothing that i have in my life is mine to keep...
i know one thing now....life is much more magnanimous and momentous than the stupid problems that constitute it....and all i have is a day to live coz who knows if i have another one written for me or not....
there is a beautiful song by Lee Anne Womack...called "i hope you dance"... it surely tells you a few things you need to know...
"i hope you never lose your sense of wonder..
you get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger...
may you never take a single breath for granted...
god forbid love ever leaves you empty handed...
i hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean...
whenever one door closes, i hope one more opens...
promise me that you'll give fate a fighting chance...
and when you get a choice to sit it out or dance...
i hope you dance...
i hope you dance....."

matters of heart

yesterday my little cousin(well...for me she is still little...anyway...) told me about her crush...not as shocking as the fact that he is my friend...hehehe...ah!!! i can't imagine what she sees in him..but i guess even she doesn't. after all crush is not supposed to be sensible or whats the fun...
over the years i have had loads of crushes myself...i have heard about my friends' crushes...(oh!!! i have stopped counting for some of them... ;)), i have jumped up and down with my friends when we met our crushes somewhere...(always by accident though... ;) !!), i have nursed my friends' through heart-breaks...and myself through life- shattering-seeming-but-next-day-it-gets-ok-heart-breaks...though, the last line always is that why do you have such feelings...
i remember one of my friends asking me this at the end of one such midnight discussion in my hostel room...(what am i?? some know-it-all??) but it did set me thinking....wouldn't we much better without these things to add over the exams, GPAs, peers, parents etc....????
but the question is would we???
naaaaaaaa.....life would be too dull!!! teenage pathetically businesslike...running down the corridor to get a glimpse, behaving as if you hardly noticed when all you can see is him...its fun...more than anything its a stage...a stage of life which you have to go through to be....complete, i guess...every girl dreams of a prince in a shining armour....some grow out of them, some grow over them...but they are an important part of being a girl...a special part...
i still remember telling my sister about my first crush...all embarassed at having such feelings....more embarassed coz i never needed to tell her his name....SHE GUESSED IT!!!!(oh gosh!!! imagine how obvious i made it...sheesh!!!) but she didn't scold me or anything...she told me something which i tell everyone who asks me for an advice on crushes...that there is nothing to be ashamed of...if anything...its a sign of your being absolutely normal...but always remember in this search for your perfect prince -charming, among the frogs...you don't have to kiss all the frogs to find your true prince...when the time comes....you'll know..
i told my little cousin the same thing...(though i had half a mind to tell her that this could lead to a heart break and all...knowing my friend very well...) but i decided against it...i thought she had a right to try out things...this was life's school and i had no right to interfere...it is an experience of a lifetime...first crush!! besides you get over crushes even if they hurt...after all if it didn't hurt why would they call it a crush???